Make your own


Ah, Morleys Cigarettes. Always a favourite with those wishing to barter the lives of the pinks away to strange, incomprehensible forces. Unfortunately, they're not always available, but at least you can make the right impression with those you're seeking to intimidate...

Step 1: Print this page on a colour printer. If it doesn't print to the correct size, you're on your own, but for reference it should be 15.5 cms (6.1 inches) wide.

Step 2: Acquire a soft-pack of the cigarettes you least dislike. Open it, pop the top seal, withdraw the inner  silver foil with the cigarettes inside. Save this and the transparent cellulose outer sleeve. Discard the old packet thoughfully, after noting how the packet is folded.

Step 3: Reveal to Mulder that you are his Father.

Step 4: Carefully cut out the Morleys packet and seal above. DO NOT cut along the grey lines, as they are fold lines. Take care not to accidentally damage the seal . The black border is provided as a convenience to those whose printers are set not to print backgrounds.

Step 5: Prefold the packet using the grey guidelines. You may, if you wish, glue the sides and base together at the "GLUE HERE" points, although this is not necessary.

Step 6: Negotiate Anal Probe rights with the Zeta Reticulans.

Step 7: Insert the silver foil with cigarettes from the old cigarette packet.

Step 8: Glue the seal at the "GLUE HERE" points over the top.

Step 9: Assassinate the President.

Step 10: Insert package into the cellulose outer sleeve.

Step 11: Chain smoke until you hæmorrhage humourously through your own nose at a particularly embarrassing moment, such as when you are making the general broadcast to the people of Earth informing them of their future as livestock for the alien's dinner tables.