Everyone loves a story and making fun of traditional stories is even better. We all know the stories of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Humpty Dumpty, Jack and the Beanstalk, Hënsel and Gretel, Ali Barber, Georgie Porgy, Tom Thumb, Hickory Dickory Dock, Old King Cole, The Boy who Cried Wolf, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Ali Barba and the Forty Thieves.
In 200-300 words write a fractured fairy story; it should be like the original but obviously certain names will be changed to protect the innocent!
See also Fractured Fairy Tales p. 67 Sadler, Hayllar & Powell
Exit, pursued by a bear Sydney: John Wiley 1973.
Here is one to get you started:
SNOW WHITE AND THE FOUR PUNK PIGS
One day, a really ugly stuck-up girl named Snow White was minding her own business (for a change) and taking a walk in the forest, playing her Motley Crue tapes on the Sharp portable recorder she picked up at a special price at Kung Chu's Family Restaurant and Electrical Appliance Store, when she came across an old house.
She went in and looked around. She saw a bowl of porridge there. Now, most fairy tales say she drank it up; but they've got it wrong. You see, Snow White hates porridge! "Oh yuk," she said and poured it down the sink. "Just what do you think you're doing?" said an annoyed voice. She spun around and saw four little pigs. "Well . . .I . . .erm . . . er," she stammered. "Fe, fi, fo, fum," said a voice behind the four little pigs. "I sense a smelly human!" The fifth pig! The pigs turned around and when they turned around to look at Snow White, she was gone! "Where did she go?" asked a pig. "Up there, " replied another pointing to some muddy footsteps. "AFTER HER!!" they all yelled. Snow White had only meant to go to the toilet, but after hearing this, she panicked; grabbing the toilet seat, she ripped it off and smashed the window and escaped. "Hear that?" asked a pig. "She smashed our window!" "I'm gonna kill her for that !!" So they all got their equipment and ran outside. They just caught a glimpse of her disappearing into the forest. The big chase was on!
The five little pigs immediately hopped into their stolen Lamboghini Countach, switched on the FM radio and started after her. "Oh no," said Snow White. As the Lamboghini gained speed, Snow White slowed down, obviously tiring because she had been running a bit. Finally, she stopped and yelled: "Stop, I'm sorry." But there was no stopping the pigs now; they just kept coming and coming and when they were no less than ten metres away, they all got out their M 16s and bazookas and started firing. Birds scattered and screeched and flew away. "Aaargh" yelled Snow White and fell to the ground. The pigs yelled out in hysterical triumph and drove back to their house.
Twenty years later in 1969, when all the beauties like Sam Fox and Cybil Sheppard were born, a girl named Goldilocks was born, and thirteen years later, she was also to have an encounter with three of the five little pigs still alive. But that is not a fractured fairy tale and Goldilocks ended up on top. Oh well .
by Hersh G.
THE GINGERBREAD MAN by Simon Strahan
Once there was an old man and an old woman
who lived in a housing commission flat. The old woman decided to bake
something nice for her husband who was sitting on the couch watching
T.V. and having a tinny. When the old woman opened the oven door, out
jumped a Gingerbread Man. Before they knew it, he was climbing out of
the window shouting:
"Don't chase me, you'd better forget it,
because if I'm caught, I'll make you regret it."
The old woman breathed a sigh of relief and
made herself a cuppa. But the Gingerbread Man continued down the
street and headed for the train station where he found a group of
boys graffiti-ing a train. One boy shouted: "Hey stop Ginger, you'd
go well with a can of Coke. Let's have him boys!" The Gingerbread
Man, annoyed at this comment, screamed back:
"Don't chase me, I'll give you the flick,
if you catch me, I'll make you sick."
The Gingerbread Man was quite tired by now
and decided to catch a tram. After boarding, he came face to face
with the conductor. Before the conductor could say anything the
Gingerbread Man screamed out:
"Don't you start to preach the law,
you touch me and I'll break your jaw."
The Gingerbread Man jumped off the tram and
headed for the nearest McDonalds as he was feeling hungry. Upon
reaching the restaurant, he slipped inside and began searching for
food as he had no money. Suddenly he was grabbed from behind by a
grubby-faced boy having a party. The boy said: "Gee, you'd be nice to
eat." But the Gingerbread Man said:
"Don't eat me, I'll tell you why,
cause if you do, I'll say good bye."
"OK, goodbye," said the boy and took a bite.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DORKS
Twice upon a clock, there lived a king and queen. The queen was an extremely ugly and evil lady. She had a magical cupboard to which she often spoke and said, "Oh small cupboard on the floor, who is the biggest hag of all?" And the cupboard always replied, "Oh, Queen, you are the biggest hag of all."
Meanwhile in the kingdom, a girl by the name of Snowblack grew up in the tiny house of the Seven Dorks.. She became more ugly than the queen. One day when the queen went to her cupboard, she got a shock because the cupboard replied, "Snowblack is the biggest hag of all." Immediately the queen devised a plan. She changed herself into one of the three little pigs and went to the house of the Dorks. The pig offered Snowblack a beautifully wrapped present. When Snowblack opened the present, out jumped a hairy spider and Snowblack got such a fright that she had a heart attack. Fortunately the Dorks had not caught any custard pies so they came home early to find Snowblack on the ground. They gave her some pills which revived her.
The queen, happy with what she had done to Snowblack, spoke to her cupboard: "Oh, small cupboard on the floor, who is the biggest hag of all?" The cupboard replied, "Snowblack is the ugliest hag of all." The queen shook with rage at this reply and was prepared to kill Snowblack the following day.
Before the Dorks set off the next day, they warned her not to let anyone in. Snowblack could hear them as she went off: "Ho, hi, ho, hi, we're off for a custard pie!" The queen was soon over at the Dork household dressed as a fruiterer. Snowblack did not want to let "him" in but when she saw the great, big watermelon he carried, she could not resist. She cut a small piece off and as soon as she had a bite, she was on the floor choking from the poison. The queen hurried home and was pleased to find the cupboard saying, "Oh queen, you are the biggest hag of all." When the Dorks arrived back home that afternoon, they knew Snowblack was dead and they should not have gone off eating custard pie. They placed Snowblack in a glass coffin.
Next day along came a handsome frog. He saw the dead Snowblack so he kissed her on the hand because she couldn't bear to look at her face. She awoke and all the Dorks (Sloppy, Jalopy, Spacky, Tacky, Dummy, Krummy and Fred) started singing, "Ho, hi, ho hi, we're off for a custard pie." Finally the queen spoke to her cupboard just to make sure she was indeed the ugliest but the cupboard relied: "Snowblack is the biggest hag of all." At these words, the queen choked in rage and fell to the floor and died. And that's how Snowblack got to live happily ever after!
Dennis A. 1993.
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JACK AND JILL
by Mark G.
One sunny, beautiful morning, Jack woke up with an urge to run up the hill and fetch a pail of water.. So he could cook some delicious prawns for that night's dinner. As Jack and Jill started their run, Jack fell over and grazed his knee; he quickly got back to his feet and kept running from a large amount of embarrassment.
Jill saw a bush track half-way up the hill, and they both decided to take a look. As they were gradually getting closer to the top, Jack was interrupted by a huge, vicious, red belly which took a launch at Jack and gripped his ankle. Jack fearsomely kicked the spider from his leg and kept running as though nothing had happened. while trying to impress Jill. As they eventually reached the well at the top of the mountain, Jack's leg was starting to ache and swell.
They fetched the pail of water from the well and slowly made their way back down. Now Jack was feeling very, very light-headed and dehydrated. As he came speeding down the mountain like a bull let loose, he stumbled over a branch and slowly veered into the centre of the road and just as this took place, a loaded semi-trailer, full of stumps, came rumbling down. Jill quickly followed Jack into the middle of the road to pull him away from the semi. But they were both too late and were together killed by this huge fearsome creature.
Which all goes to show how harmless the nursery tale was.
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LITTLE BLUE RIDING HOOD
by Luke M.
Big Blue Riding Hood was on her way to granny's when the Big Bad Wolf saw her and thought: "This is like a tale my rellies once told me. Yes, I remember the story: eat granny and go to eat big blue went the poor defenceless wolf is killed by the axe man. Huh, this won't happen to me!!"
The Wolf stopped off at a gun store and bought a rocket launcher to blow that axe man to kingdom come. So after buying his rocket launcher, he then proceeded to Granny's place and gobbled her up whole, then became a cross-dresser, went to bed and waited for Big Blue.
And sure enough, Big Blue came bounding through the front door. Mr Wolf wasted no time gobbling her up; she came close and BAM! "Yummy!!" said the wolf for Big Blue was no more. Mr Wolf went back to bed and waited for the axe man.
In no time flat, the axeman came, the rocket launcher was out, the face was off and the axeman said: "Eat meat and die, Scumbag!"
"Only in hell," replied the wolf and let the rocket launcher rip. The axeman's head was no more.
Feeling pleased with himself, the Wolf sat down for lunch.
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JACK AND THE GRAPE STALK
by Tom H.
There once lived a young boy called Jack who sold his computer for some magic beans which he got from a pawnbroker. He showed them to his mum: "No way, you foolish boy!!" The mother threw them out the window.
The next morning Jack woke from his sleep and looked out the window. To his surprise, there was a high grape vine as high as the clouds there. "The magic beans! the magic beans! it must be them!" he thought. He finally worked up enough courage to climb the huge grape vine. He could hear his mother calling his name but that didn't worry him at all.
Finally, Jack said, "I'm at the top. Before his eyes lay a huge giant who'd been gardening looking at him. The giant said, "Hello" and Jack replied, "Hello, Mr Giant, my name is Jack." From he mean look on the giant's face, Jack thought he's he meat, but the giant was very friendly towards Jack.
A few weeks passed, and Jack and the Giant became the best of friends. One morning Jack woke up and saw the grape vine had died; the vine had lost its fruits and had died. So Jack would never see the friendly Giant again.
The End
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JACKY AND THE OLIVE TREE
by Giles B.
When Jacky was taking his pet cow Matilda for a walk, a man jumped out from a drain pipe and stopped them. "Hi, my name is Frederic the XXVIII from the Cash Converters Clan, and I want that cow now!" He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a revolver. He then took the cow by his side, and handed Jacky some apricot halves and said, "Take these, Jacky."
Jacky ran home with tears streaming from his eyes. At home he told his mum what had happened. She slapped him across the face ten times before vandalising the house saying: "We're through. Matilda was our only hope." And she threw the apricot halves out the nearby window.
The next morning, when Jacky was having breakfast he noticed a big olive tree outside. He ran outside and started to climb up, and he said to himself: "It must have been those apricot halves."
After half a day climbing up, from branch to branch, he finally reached the top. He looked around. and he saw a floating house. So Jack then decided to run over and see what he could see. And all that he could see was the front of a huge house. He climbed up and slipped though the mail slot.
There inside he saw a big, hairy giant sitting on a chair, and Jacky spotted a bowl of porridge beside him. He said to himself: "That could feed mother and me for weeks." So Jacky ran over, lifted the bowl of porridge above his head and ran as fast as he could and began to run home.
As he was sprinting away, the giant heard him and he started to chase him. When Jacky reached the olive tree, he jumped down and bounced off every branch until he reached the ground. He was greeted by his mother, now calmed down and handed her the bowl of porridge. "Here," he said, "this will feed us for weeks." They could both hear the giant trying to climb down the tree. "Quick," Jacky yelled to his mother. "It's the Giant! Hurry! Let's go!" So they both ran off into the polluted sunset. And the giant was left lost with no porridge.
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Sindy-Ella
By:Caitlin Tunstall 1999
There once was a young child called Sindy-Ella (but everyone called her Sindy) she was the most beautiful child in the land, everyone thought so. That includes every one except her ugly, even UGLY stepmother, the Queen, and her two even uglier daughters. A few days before this story was written, Sindy's kind father was killed in a tragic car crash (believed to be set up by his wife, but that is another story).
Sindy's father had organized a ball so that when he died, she would become ruler, not knowing of course that she would have to become married the very next day. The ball was set to be held the day after Sindy's father's funeral, but being very upset - he Queen decided that it was too soon for her to go. She also decided it was the perfect opportunity to find her daughters some nice young princes and trundled off with them dressed in their finest silk instead.
At the ball, the first ugly stepsister fell in love with a young prince called Charles Charming. Subsequently the Queen got drunk and they all had to go home early. Meanwhile Sindy was discussing with her friends on the phone the pros and cons of becoming the ruler of the whole country, when she got the call-waiting message on the phone, so she apologised: "Sorry guys, I have to go; the Queen's become very drunk at the ball." Between giggles they hung up and said they would talk the next day. So Sindy went to pick up her step-mum.
Now guess what, that's right she met Charles and he fell in love with her. Sindy though was too disgusted by the Queen to realise Charles was actually quite cute. So saying sorry, she rushed off back home.
A few weeks later the queen had hitched up with some guy she met at A.A and had quite forgotten who Charles was. Charles though was tossing and turning in bed knowing that he could not, and would not sleep until he found that girl, so he wrote her a letter.
To my princess,I cannot stop thinking about you. We met when your mother got drunk at the ball and you had to take her home. You probably don't remember me, but I have enclosed a picture to help jog your memory.
Hope we can meet sometime soon,
Charles Charming. (Prince of Notting-ham)
When Sindy received the letter, she read it in disbelief; but since she had no idea where Notting-ham was she decided to look it up on the Internet. She then thought 'He's quite cute' and decided to write back, asking lots of questions like 'I know this sounds rude, but are you rich?'
Then he wrote back saying 'I'll be quite honest, we are the poorest monarchy in the world' and then a question which quite blew her away 'Will you marry me? I know you probably want to be rich and have fine things, but my father's dying and he really wants me to get married so I can take over the monarchy, I'll give you all the love I have.'
Sindy thought (and thought and thought): 'Look what happened to my father - riches haven't brought him happiness and now it is too late for him to enjoy it but I should discuss it with some one anyway,' not quite knowing who.
Then all of a sudden, her Fairy God-mother appeared, and said, 'If it sounds right and feels right, do it, otherwise you will not only end up questioning why he asked you but also what will happen after you are gone. So just go, 'can I help you?'
'Yes, I will go, and if you please, I would like to be there ASAP.'
'Sure, off you go!'
And in a cloud of smoke, off she was on her way to Notting-ham and a few days later was married to Prince Charming as Princess Sindy-Ella. And so they lived happily ever after, and what happened to the Queen and her daughters? Let's just say they didn't.
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