Scene
1: Bridge of the Enterprise. Present: Kirk, Spock, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura,
various crewmembers.
[People mill around
generally.]
KIRK: [voice over]:
Captain's Log, Stardate 37 22 36 point 5. Tuesday. We are on course
to the planet Gaaron - Damalon Delta Gamma Alpha Omega Three Nine Ampersand
Three, as its inhabitants call it - to investigate continuing reports
of strange atmospheric anomalies or something.
KIRK: Status report,
Mr Chekov.
CHEKOV: I feel fine,
Keptain.
SULU: Captain, we
are approaching the planet.
KIRK: Standard orbit,
Mr Sulu - no, cancel that, I feel like a change. Give me a kinky orbit
instead.
SULU: Leather and
chains?
KIRK: That will
do nicely.
UHURA: Captain,
we are receiving an incoming message from the planet.
[Somewhere a phone
starts ringing.]
KIRK: Put it on
visual.
[A large red telephone
appears on the main viewscreen.]
VOICE: [In a desperate,
hoarse voice interrupted by static]: Damalon Delta Gamma Alpha Omega
Three Nine Ampersand Three to Starship Enter-GARBLE Thank God you're
CRACKLE here, Jim! Half the colonists have been CRACKLE HISS SPIT GARBLE
WIBBLE -
KIRK: Hang on a
sec. Uhura?
[Uhura adjusts a
bent wire coathanger stuck in a socket on her console. The static immediately
disappears.]
VOICE: - in small
sticky pieces, and the creatures have cut us off from our remaining
supplies! We haven't got long. You've got to help us!
KIRK: [Leans forwards,
concern on his face ('Concern' no. 5, For Men)]: What's happening, is
something attacking the colony? [Turns to Spock] Arrange a landing party,
all available security personnel armed with type 62 quad-barrelled positive-slaughter
phaser rifles! Go to Red Alert! Raise shields, secure all airlocks,
batten down the hatches, yard the mainbrace, and get me a chicken!
VOICE: There are
thousands CRACKLE SPIT them! [Uhura fiddles with the coathanger, but
with no effect.] Planet seems already to have CRACKLE SPLAT GARBLE inhabited.
Nine feet tall GARBLE WIBBLE huge claws HISS SPLATTER and teeth GARBLE
HISS SPLAT SPIT WARBLE dreadful halitosis! But I think BURBLE we've
found a way to -
[The coathanger
snaps off in Uhura's hands. She throws it under the console.]
UHURA: Er, transmission
terminated, Captain.
KIRK: My God, all
those people! Forget that last order, Spock, the one about the landing
party. Mr Sulu, arm the photon torpedoes and... fire on the colony's
position. Hell, forget that, just destroy the planet.
SULU: Yes, sir.
Torpedoes away. Impacting... now.
KIRK: [To Spock]:
Any lifesigns?
SPOCK: Negative,
Captain.
KIRK: Any strange
atmospheric anomalies?
SPOCK: No, Captain.
KIRK: Any planet?
SPOCK: No.
KIRK: Good God,
Spock, I don't pay you for nothing! What's out there?
SPOCK: [Raises eyebrow]:
Debris, suggesting the recent destruction of a class M planet, populated
by approximately 100 000 people.
KIRK: That's better.
Uhura, inform Starfleet of the successful completion of this mission.
UHURA: You're a
genius, sir.
KIRK: [Smooths back
hair]: I know. What's this dead chicken doing in my lap, Spock? Get
rid of it. [Turns back to viewscreen] Warp factor six, Mr Chekov.
CHEKOV: Vhat co-ordinates,
Keptain?
KIRK: [Points vaguely
forwards]: Thataway.
CHEKOV: Er, sir,
that's straight into the sun!
KIRK: Well spotted
Mr Checkov, this could earn you a promotion. Switch to rear view. [Viewscreen
changes to a starfield] That's better. Thataway!
[The Enterprise
reverses, stars streaking back past its windows]
-- COMMERCIAL BREAK
--
top
Scene 2: The
same. Present: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, various crew
members.
UHURA: Captain!
Klingons on the starboard bow! [Echoes of "starboard bow, starboard
bow".]
KIRK: Klingons!
Go to Red Alert! I hate Klingons! I hate all of them! The little, low
down, toady, wrinkly headed, commie bastards! When I think of what they
did to my mother...
SPOCK: [Gazing into
scanner]: They have gone to battle stations. They are arming their phasers.
They are locking their weapons systems onto us. They are activating
their coffee machine. It is making a cappuccino, two sugars. The Klingon
captain's name is Krud, son of Kondom, age 45, 6 feet 3 inches high,
he has a filling in his lower right molar, and an artificial ankle.
KIRK: He's put his
foot in his mouth? Anything else, Spock?
SPOCK: [Cranking
a handle on the side of the scanner]: A male and female Klingon are
alone together on the supply deck. They are locked in a mutual embrace
of wild abandoned passion, their minds consumed with desire. He tears
off her thin, film-like clothes, hands sliding over her every sensuous
curve. Yielding to his passion, she willing caresses his throbbing...
KIRK: Spock!
SPOCK: ...forehead.
What was that, Captain?
[There is a long
sigh from the crew as they settle down. Chekov produces a rag and wipes
down the viewscreen, which has fogged up.]
KIRK: How long till
they're in range?
SPOCK: One minute
and seventeen point two zero five eight eight seconds.
McCOY: Dammit, Jim,
they're trying to kill us!
KIRK: Let's not
jump to conclusions, Bones.
CHEKOV: Keptain,
the Klingons are attempting the Graknorhaknahee Manoeuvre!
KIRK: What the f-
SPOCK: A parallel
park, Captain.
[The two ships circle
warily. The Klingon's manoeuvre is countered by a feint to starboard
and vector reversal by the Enterprise, which then ducks into an asteroid
field to conceal it from its enemy's sensors. The Klingon ship moves
behind a passing moon and reappears disguised as an icecream van. Ignoring
his crew's clamours for gelati, Kirk cunningly orders a triple flavour
snowman. Krud is unable to supply it, and his cover is blown. The ships
exchange fire. The Enterprise receives some hits but the Bird of Prey
goes bang in a very big way. On the Bridge of the Enterprise alarms
sound and people fall out of chairs.]
SULU: The Klingon
ship has been destroyed, Captain.
[The lights fail.]
McCOY: Dammit, Jim,
what is this, the Dark Ages?
KIRK: Emergency
lighting. Turn those alarms off. Switch all systems to 'Gloat'. That
was a close thing, Bones.
McCOY: Dammit, Jim,
that was too close! You could've gotten yourself killed - and you know
what that would mean!
KIRK: Not... the
Next Generation?!
[Gasps of horror
and disbelief are heard around the Bridge.]
McCOY: Dammit, Jim,
it could come to that.
KIRK: But Gene Roddenbury
would never do that - would he? He hasn't sold the rights, has he?
McCOY: It's worse
than that - he's dead, Jim!
SCOTT: [Over intercom]:
Engine room to Bridge, Cap'n. It's the engines - they've badly damaged,
she canna take much more! An' I've lost three o' me best engineers!
KIRK: There are
injuries?
SCOTT: No, I just
canna find 'em. That what ye get for employin' casuals.
KIRK: How long before
we're ready for warp speed?
SCOTT: I'll need
at least 5000 years and a drydock ta get this mess sorted out!
KIRK: Scotty, we
don't have 5000 years! Or a drydock!
SCOTT: Give me five
minutes an' a spanner then. Scotty out.
KIRK: [To McCoy]:
That man's a miracle worker!
McCOY: Dammit, Jim,
doesn't it occur to you that he exaggerates?
KIRK: [Shocked]:
Scotty? I trust him completely. He's always said that he'd get out of
the ship and push if ever he had to. [Turns to Spock with an afterthought.]
Spock, prepare one spacesuit - extra-large - just in case.
[Spock raises an
eyebrow.]
-- COMMERCIAL BREAK
--
top
Scene
3: The same. Present: Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, Chekov, Uhura, various
crewmembers.
KIRK: [Voice over]:
Captain's Log, Stardate 3.1415926. Our R & R at Starbase 666 has
been postponed. Starfleet has ordered the Enterprise to investigate
a series of mysterious ship disappearances. I didn't know Starfleet
had that many mysterious ships. I also don't know where these disappearances
have occurred, but I don't suppose it matters.
SCOTT: [Over intercom]:
Scotty ta Bridge. Cap'n, we're sufferin' some kinda 'normous energy
drain! [Increasingly frantic] All main circuits are runnin' oon half
power, an' I dinna ken fra' where it's a comin'! An' - I'm sorry, Cap'n
I canna keep this oop much langer!
KIRK: It's alright,
Scotty, at ease.
SCOTT: [Lapses into
standard American drawl]: Thank you, Captain, you've no idea what a
relief this is. Scott out.
SPOCK: [Peering
intently into Scanner]: Captain, the crew are being taken over by a
strange alien influence!
KIRK: How strange?
[Spock sticks a
finger up his nose and dances round the Bridge on one leg.]
KIRK: That strange,
huh? We'd better implement... Plan A.
SPOCK: [Raises eyebrow]:
Plan A?
KIRK: Yes, Plan
A. The usual. Look, Spock, go berserk, tear a few things from the walls,
you know, beat someone up, start crying for no obvious reason...
SPOCK: I understand,
Captain. Just like the last time.
KIRK: Bones, rush
to the sickbay and come up with an antidote.
McCOY: Dammit, Jim,
I'm a doctor, not a...!
KIRK: Sulu, find
a sword and start fencing with some-one. Uhura, put on an even smaller
mini-skirt and go and chat up Scotty. Chekov... er, go to sleep or something.
Chekov: Can I dream
about wiolins, sir?
KIRK: Commander's
discretion.
SPOCK: And what
will you do, Captain?
KIRK: [Drapes himself
in an American flag]: Oh, I'll just save the human race by being the
one hell of the amazing guy I am. Everyone got that?
ALL: Yes sir!
KIRK: Good. [Starts
pacing the Bridge.] Any minute now...
[In a blaze of special
effects an alien life-form appears on the view-screen. It has a lumpy
moulded latex forehead, wears a toga, and has multi-coloured lights
playing on it.]
McCOY: Dammit, Spock,
what is it?
SPOCK: I believe,
doctor, the correct nomenclature is "Yaga" - Yet Another God-like Alien.
KIRK: [To Yaga.]
I am Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise. We come in peace.
YAGA: [In harsh
and evil tones]: Earthlings, your presence here is unwanted. What does
the T mean?
KIRK: What T?
YAGA: In your name,
Earthling fool! What does it stand for?
KIRK: [Looking very
embarrassed]: Errmmm, well, actually... Tiberius.
[Uncontrolled laughter
fills the Bridge. Kirk glares murderously at his crew. The Yaga fades
off the screen, giggling. After a while it regains its composure and
reappears.]
YAGA: I would have
destroyed you, but I am intrigued how any species could think of such
a silly name and use it. Prove to me that you are a truly worthy race
and I shall let you live - fail, and you will die! You, Captain Kirk
[sniggers] will come alone to prove your worth and stand on behalf of
your fellow humans!
KIRK: Couldn't I
do this proxy?
YAGA: You will stand
trial against a test I have prepared.
KIRK: We shall not
obey you.
YAGA: My control
over your crew is absolute. If you do not co-operate I will have all
of you continually and incessantly babbling... Shakespeare.
KIRK: [Unmoved]:
You think you can frighten me that way? I've been through it all! The
Undiscovered Country was hell!
YAGA: Well, you
don't want to go through it again, do you?
KIRK: Point.
SPOCK: Sacrificing
yourself for the sake of humanity would give you an immense amount of
kudos, Captain.
McCOY: Dammit, Spock,
you pointy-eared, green-blooded, emotionless Vulcan, don't you realise
there's more at stake here than mere irrational emotionalism! There
is logic too! The sublime beauty of the syllogism, the elegance of the
premiss, and the satisfaction of constructing a valid and sound argument
are all things we must fight for. It is all our humanity is worth!
[Spock raises and
eyebrow so much it pops of his forehead and bounces around in front
of his face on a spring.]
KIRK: The alien
has infected the crew's minds, and it feeds on fear - they all do. Run
now, and it would have won, we would all be slaves to its will. No,
it's bluffing - we must stand and fight!
YAGA: You have no
choice, human. [Disappears from screen.]
SPOCK: [Peering
into scanner]: Sir, the ship's scanners are now registering a hitherto
unknown form of energy, its source a hitherto unknown planet.
KIRK: Makes sense.
Well, you know our brief, Spock, to discover strange new worlds - just
how strange is it? If it doesn't rate at least a 'damn peculiar' on
the Stanley Kubrick scale we'll try some terra-forming.
SPOCK: I'm sorry,
sir, there is insufficient data to make an assessment.
KIRK: Can't you
even get me a 'surreal' on the Woody Allen rating system? No? Hey, it
must be the illusionary planet that I'm going to have to fight my worse
nightmare on. I'll probably be transported there any second. Eeny meeny
miny mo... Mr Sulu, you have the conn.
[Kirk vanishes.]
SULU: Right, for
start, let's have some redecorating. I'm sick of beige.
-- COMMERCIAL BREAK
--
top
Scene 4. The
surface of the planet - all boulders and bushes, all in a rather garish
colour-scheme.
[Kirk materialises.
He looks around, slightly disoriented, then activates his communicator.]
KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise.
Do you read me?
SULU: [Over communicator]:
Yes, sir, those Tek War books are crap.
KIRK: Shut it, slopehead.
It's just as I suspected, Sulu, this is a standard PPP-type planet -
everything's Papier-mache, Polystyrene or Plastic.
SULU: What do...
[Voice fades out.]
KIRK: Mr Sulu! [Taps
communicator but gets no response. He reaches for his phaser but finds
it gone. Shouts into the empty air.] All right, I'm here! What do you
want from me?!
[He hears screams
from behind a hill. He runs around it, cheap polystyrene rocks crunching
beneath his feet, to find a scantily-clad woman being menaced by a giant
quivering strawberry moose.]
WOMAN: Help, help!
Save me from this terrible monster!
[Kirk tears his
shirt off to get into the feel of things, then advances on the strawberry
moose and, with a single titanic lunge, eats it. He helps up the woman
who loses most of her remaining clothes.]
KIRK: What are you
doing here, my dear, and why were you being attacked by... [dramatic
pause] a strawberry moose? Are there many more of them in this hellish
place?
WOMAN: I don't know.
But I'm almost certainly a character drawn from your subconscious imaginings.
KIRK: [Simpering]:
I never knew my imagination was so good.
WOMAN: Maybe it
isn't. I think I've been computer-enhanced.
Scene
5: The Bridge of the Enterprise. Present: Spock, Sulu, McCoy, Chekov,
various crew members.
SULU: ...And a dragon
motif for the ceiling.
SPOCK: [Peering
into scanner]: Sir, I am detecting a most unusual phenomenon on the
ship's sensors - gravity waves.
SULU: Holy mackerel!
Er, remind me, Spock.
SPOCK: Gravity waves
are distortions in the very fabric of time and space, caused by the
interaction of two massive bodies.
SULU: I see. [Into
intercom] Sulu to Engineering. Scotty - stop it. Uhura, return to the
Bridge.
SCOTT & UHURA:
[Over communicator, in strained voices]: Yes sir, sorry sir.
SPOCK: Gravity waves
have stopped, sir. But sir, I am now picking up a strange transmission
pattern. It is a twenty lightyear-wide band of low frequency code in
a sphere expanding from... the Earth!
SULU: Can you translate
it?
SPOCK: I am attempting
to do so now. [Raises eyebrow] Fascinating, something I have never seen
before!
SULU: What is it?
SPOCK: Sky Channel!
[Viewscreen fills with a blurry picture of two bikini-clad females wrestling
in a vat of jelly.] The Anthropology segment on Open University no doubt.
CHEKOV: Yeaahhh.
[To a miscellaneous female crewmember] Hey bab- er ensign. Get me a
large wucket of popcorn and a six pack.
SULU: Make that
two popcorns.
McCOY: Three.
SPOCK: Four. This
human custom is most interesting.
MISC. FEMALE ENSIGN:
But what about Plan A?
ALL: Hang Plan A!
top
Scene 6: The
planet. Present: Kirk, woman.
KIRK: Well, what
am I supposed to be doing here?
WOMAN: Now you have
to rescue me from your worst nightmare and then deliver me safely to
the Inner Sanctum.
KIRK: You mean there's
more? That wasn't my worst nightmare back there?
WOMAN: You dream
about strawberry mooses?
KIRK: Hehem! What's
this Inner Sanctum bit?
WOMAN: Over there.
[Points. About two miles away a large pseudo-Greek temple can be seen.]
It is the dwelling place of The Guardian of this world.
KIRK: Uhuh. And
what about my worst nightmare?
WOMAN: Over there.
[A nine feet tall
xenomorph with a double mouth structure, acidic blood, tentacles, ten
inch claws, poison glands, and rubber truncheon appears from behind
a boulder. It drools buckets of green slime and wears a Mickey Mouse
hat. It charges at Kirk who heroically flees.]
top
Scene 7: The
Bridge. Present: Spock, Sulu, McCoy, Chekov, Uhura, various crewmembers.
[On Sky Channel
the jelly wrestling has given way to horse racing. A race finishes and
the crewmembers start pulling off their shirts and handing them to Spock
who adds them to a large pile of wallets and personal effects.]
SPOCK: The eighth
in a row, I think. Sir, may I observe that the Captain has been on the
planet's surface now for over twenty minutes? Should we not attempt
to assist him?
SULU: You're absolutely
right. See if you can get an exact transporter fix. I shall lead the
away-team personally.
-- COMMERCIAL BREAK
--
top
Scene 8: The
planet. Present: Kirk, Woman, Ravening Alien.
[Kirk is still being
chased around by the alien. He manages to lose it for a minute and rejoins
the woman.]
KIRK: [Panting]:
You know, it's at times like this I remember what my mother said just
before she died.
WOMAN: What did
she say?
KIRK: Arrggghhhhh!!!
She died in a combined harvester accident. By the way, we haven't been
introduced properly. What's your name?
WOMAN: Ellen Ripley.
KIRK: What?! Then
why am I the one doing this? You deal with it!
RIPLEY: All right.
[The alien reappears.
Ripley produces a sawn-off shotgun and empties it into the alien, then
jumps at it, grapples it to the ground and tears it limb from limb.
Kirk recovers from his surprise (the alien doesn't) and joins in, beating
the alien about the head with a rubber chicken. Sulu and two security
guards beam down in time to see the alien's death throes.]
SULU: Oh, well done,
sir!
KIRK: Sulu, cannon-fodder,
glad to see you could make it. You know, I think I'll get this this
one mounted.
[Sulu and the guards
look at the alien, Ripley, and then each other, uncertain exactly what
he's referring to. Kirk vanishes.]
SULU: Where's he
gone?!
RIPLEY: The Yaga
has taken him to the Inner Sanctum. The final battle begins.
SULU: We'll see
about that! Come on, men!
[Sulu runs towards
the temple. Two fridges fall out of nowhere and flatten the guards.
Ripley wanders away, kicking papier mache rocks disconsolately.]
top
Scene 9: The
Inner Sanctum - a large hall with immensely tall packing-foam white
Corinthian columns, balustrades &c.
[The Yaga stands
at the top of a dais before a perspex throne. Kirk appears.]
YAGA: Human, you
have cheated the test!
KIRK: What are you,
some kind of spoil-sport?
YAGA: I will kill
you as warning never to come here again, but I will spare your ship
and crew.
KIRK: [Nobly]: Kill
me, but let my crew go…Hang on, your supposed to kill my crew and spare
me. Happens every time.
YAGA: [FX crackle
around its fingertips]: You will perish in torment, human.
KIRK: Look, I won
the test fair and square. The broad was from my own imagination. Therefore
I won, Q.E.D.
YAGA: [Giggles]:
Are those your other initials?
[Enter Sulu.]
SULU: Simon says:
Duck, captain!
[He fires his phaser
at the Yaga.]
YAGA: Your puny
weapons cannot hope to - Arrgghhh!! [Staggers about and expires on the
floor.]
SULU: Oh my god,
the phaser worked! What have I done? Oh the ignominy, oh the shame!
I shall never be able to live with myself!
[The hall begins
to shake and the columns crack and topple. More security guards appear
out of nowhere and start throwing themselves under falling masonry,
beating their heads against walls, playing Russian roulette with their
phasers, &c. Kirk and Sulu dodge the falling masonry and are beamed
back two the Enterprise - now decorated as a Chinese restaurant - just
as the vaulted roof collapses.]
-- COMMERCIAL BREAK
--
top
SCENE 10: Transporter
Room
[Kirk and Sulu run
out of the transporter and exit to the turbo lift. Also beamed up is
one of the Yaga's columns. It falls through the floor and out into space,
leaving a large hole in the bottom of the ship. Alarms sound as fluttery
bits of paper, small ensigns, &c., indicate that the air is being
sucked out into space.]
top
SCENE 11:
The Bridge. Present: Spock, Chekov, McCoy, Uhura, various crew members.
COMPUTER: Warning.
Hull integrity has been breached.
McCOY: Dammit, is
it being blackmailed?
SPOCK: Negative,
doctor, I think you will find that totally irrational and emotive comment
does not match the reality of this situation with verisimilitude.
COMPUTER: Hull integrity
is still breached.
McCOY: Dammit, Spock,
have you ever heard anything about the 'Tennessee Nose Pinch' - taught
to me by my Great Aunt when I was just a kid?
SPOCK: No, doctor,
I don't believe I have -
[McCoy jams two
fingers up Spock's nose and slams his head against a console.]
COMPUTER: [Sings]:
There's a hole in my bulkhead, dear Scotty, dear Scotty, there's a hole
in my bulkhead, dear Scotty, a hole...
UHURA: Boys, boys!
Stop squabbling! We've got a problem.
[Bridge starts to
depressurise. Enter Kirk and Sulu.]
SULU: Is Spock mind-melding
with the hardware again, Uhura? I wish he wouldn't, it leaves dreadful
stains.
KIRK: Forget that
- implement Emergency Procedures! Chekov, get me the Air Supply!
[Chekov moves over
to a nearby Hi-Fi system, grabs a CD and hands it to Kirk.]
Chekov: 'The Greatest
Hits', Keptain.
[Kirk examines the
CD for a second, then tosses it into an electric waste-paper basket
where it disappears in a flash of light.]
KIRK: Good, I've
always wanted to do that! Now, follow me!
[Kirk runs to turbo
lift, crew follows.]
top
Scene 12: Lavatory.
[The crew burst
in and run to the hot-air hand driers. The button is pressed and they
stand around gasping for air. Enter Uhura.]
McCOY: Dammit, Uhura,
this is the gents!
UHURA: [Hyperventilating]:
Sorry, sir! Won't happen again.
[Staggers out.]
KIRK: [Reading something
off a cubicle wall]: Hey, who wrote this about me and Ensign Rann?!
McCOY: Looks like
Spock's handwriting to me, Jim.
SPOCK: On the contrary,
I think it resembles Doctor McCoy's.
KIRK: Knock it off,
Spock, do you really think Bones could write that without a dictionary
in one hand and Nurse Chaple in the other?
top
Scene 13: Female
Lavatory. Present: Uhura, sitting under hot-air hand drier.
[Enter Miscellaneous
female ensign.]
UHURA: Dammit, ensign,
this is officers!
ENSIGN: [Hyperventilating]:
Yes, ma'am, sorry ma'am, won't happen again.
UHURA: Hang feminism,
we're talking rank.
[As the Ensign exits
Kirk, chased by McCoy and Spock armed with a toilet seat, can be seen
running past.]
-- COMMERCIAL BREAK
--
top
Scene
13: Transporter room.
[Enter Scott, wearing
a spacesuit. Sees the gaping hole.]
SCOTT: Ne t'a m'
bonney ship y' don't!
[He leaps into the
gap, plugging it perfectly. The Enterprise begins to repressurise. Enter
Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov.]
KIRK: Bones
,is he alright?
McCOY: [Looks at
Scotty through the tricorder and recoils in horror]: Dammit, Jim, I've
never seen anything like it before in my life!
KIRK: Bones, it's
Scotty. Try holding the tricorder the other way round.
McCOY: My God, Jim,
it worked! All these years... When I first saw him, I thought - dammit,
Jim - he's dead! But now I realise - dammit, Jim - he's not! Neither
were those other four hundred security guards we've lost over the last
five years! Do we have records of all the planets we've been to?
[Kirk delivers a
right cross to McCoy.]
SPOCK: Crude, but
effective, Captain.
KIRK: Bones, you're
a total dipstick! A raving, blithering idiot! I've got a mind to report
you for malpractise, incompetence, general stupidity, and the sinking
of the Titanic!
McCOY: The Titanic,
Jim?
KIRK: Our contracts
run out at the end of this, you know! We've already done Voyager, save
the whales, God, and a heap of Cold War symbolism I'd prefer to forget
- I thought I'd provide a lead-in for the next movie. It's either that
or I'll have to get my computer to write another Tek War book.
McCOY: Dammit, Jim,
you've got to stop killing yourself!
KIRK: Perhaps you're
right. I'll see you at the next Trekkie Con then. Just a sec - what
kind of name is DeForest, anyway?!
Chekov: Vhere de
trees grow, Keptain?
SCOTT: [Through
spacesuit's intercom]: Ah, could someone git me oot o' here? Alternatively,
y' could just send me doon a couple o' wee haggises, and a few... pizzas.
Extra-large ones with extra topping. Effectively a pizza with another
pizza on top. And send down Uhura - I could do with a wee bit o' company
- an' a wee dram o' whisky - or just fix me up with a dripfeed...
[Fade to black with
upward scrolling text matching voiceover]
[Voiceover:
And so, with Scotty
blocking the breach in the ship's hull and making himself very, very
comfortable, the Starship Enterprise returns to Starbase 666 to meet
new challenges, explore new civilisations, have more really wild parties
in zero-G than anyone has ever had before and, above all, to be heroic,
emotional, sensitive, heroic again in the face of extreme mediocrity
and budget cuts, and to forever valiantly ignore infinitives, 'The Next
Generation', 'Voyager', and (shudder) 'Enterprise'.]
top
|
