A notorious bargain-hunter, Linda recently picked up a special at the local supermarket - a jumbo-sized bucket of 'Angel Face Amazing Wrinkle Remover' with two litres of 'Pontoon Miracle Hair Restorer' for only $2.99! Not for one minute believing the incredible claims made by the manufacturer, Linda and Tony both used the products as directed for two weeks. While not completely satisfied, and considering asking for their money back, they have to admit that some minor improvements in their skin and hair have resulted.

Study the Before and After pictures on the next page, and judge for yourself.

*** BREAKING NEWS ***

New Hope for Cardiac Patients
Tony has noticed that after an aspirin a day washed down with three glasses of brandy, his daily concern about the risk of a coronary attack almost disappears. This phenomenon is backed up by medical literature which states that men who would normally collapse in a heap on the floor clasping their chest in agony, saying 'Shit I'm having a heart attack!', don't notice what's happening to them after three brandies and an aspirin. It is a fact also noted by the medical fraternity, that if victims of heart attack do recover after the three brandies and an aspirin, there is a propensity to wicked hangovers, and bright lights should be avoided. Also, to ensure maximum health benefits, meals of fried black pudding and lard sandwiches with side orders of bacon fat should be avoided.

Winter Hits

A strange phenomenon has been occurring over the last couple of months, causing the sun to go down early and cold wet weather to inflict itself on the stunned residents of Winsome Ridge. Staff reporter Cynthia Bodice notes that neighbours in the region have been experiencing the same eery effects. There have even been reports of snow at higher levels, but we think Cynthia was drinking that day.

The hens are also suffering ill effects, and are seriously in need of counselling. Their egg-laying ability has mysteriously disappeared and no matter how long we hold them down screaming on the nest, no eggs are forthcoming. Strangely, several dozen eggs have recently materialized under the lavender bush. We have no idea where they came from.

What with all these early dusks, we've been hard pushed to get into bed before the sun goes down at about five. But with careful planning, such as laying out our pjs well in advance, eating dinner at four, not washing the dishes and hurling the chooks into the chook house, we can manage it. With a bit of luck it's lights out at seven o'clock.

Linda, a celebrity on the cross stitch circuit, has recently been awarded her own stitching room, and hardly ever comes out of it in these winter months, except for her meals and sometimes not even then. She says, 'This is what life is all about honey, and get your own dinner'. Tony, long-suffering and haggard, has been heard to say 'I didn't know it would be like this', and 'it wouldn't be so bad if she showered occasionally'. He is so disoriented that he showers twice a day, his ears are beginning to rot, and he scratches his bottom an awful lot. Investigations continue.

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SEE OUR 'LATEST PICTURES' PAGE
FOR EXCITING SHOTS OF THE BIG WINTER STORM!

'MY DAD' she screamed, 'THINKS HE'S A YOUNG DUDE, AND HE'S REALLY OLD. HE'S AT LEAST 45 YEARS OLD, MAN!' She paused to let this amazing fact sink in to the Audiologist's rather dull brain.

'HE SHOULD BE IN A WHEELCHAIR, OR IN A MAXIMUM SECURITY HOME FOR THE AGED. AND HE KEEPS SAYING 'COOL ',' she protested vehemently.

'WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT ISN'T IT? ' shouted back the Audiologist.

'NO- IT- IS- NOT!' bawled Sherrai-Leigh. 'DAD SAID THAT 'COOL' WAS USED IN THE 1950s! AS IF! LIKE, HEY, LIKE WOW MAN, AS IF!' she sighed in complete exasperation.

Texan Discovers Secret
of Memory Loss

A cross stitching woman in Texas has recently discovered the reason why we can't remember things as we get older. 'I figure I know so much more now, and my head is still the same size it's always been, so some of the important stuff must be spilling out.' she explained.

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Sheep Snigger over Deaf Dog
Our intrepid sheep Oscar, Humphrey and Rodney, are not looking forward to being crutched and having a haircut. Their wool is so long, particularly on their heads, that they can hardly see, and keep walking into each other, bumping into the fence, and trampling on the chooks. One chook is in intensive care after being severely damaged by a near blind sheep. The evil, disgusting, malevolent lumps hanging from the sheep's rear ends is not a subject to be discussed here - suffice to say that toilet paper is available on the fence for their use. The problem will be getting them into the shearing pen, as the shearer's dog is old and deaf and therefore unable to hear the whistles and shouts of his master, and tends to just wander off looking for old female dogs. And the shearer himself is rather ancient and has difficulty standing up for any period of time with out the use of two sticks. Oscar, Humphrey and Rodney have been seen giggling in the corner.

Mouse in Imminent Peril
The other day at the supermarket the following conversation was overheard. A beautiful golden haired child was crying. When her mother asked her what was wrong the child said, 'Mubby' , (she had adenoids), 'Mubby, my goldfish stopped swimming this morning and daddy flushed it down the toilet. Is that what's going to happen to Micky my mouse?' the beautiful child sobbed.
'No,' her mother told her gently and took her by the hand tenderly, 'When Micky dies, darling, we'll bury him in the garden put a cross over him and say a little prayer. And then after we'll go to McDonalds and have a Big Mac and French fries and we'll have ice cream, and a Tim Tam.'
The little girl thought for a moment and stopped crying. 'Mubby,' she asked, brightening up, 'Would it be all right if we killed Micky now?'