Flock Enlargement Goes Awry!

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Sadly, the happy trendy latte mood created by the old guys was briefly destroyed last week when a lonely young man in black plastic trousers and waistcoat, festooned with body rings, found an ornamental guitar on the wall and insisted on playing it and attempting to sing while the trio was having a double decaf Kenya Mocha break The horrifying incident was later described by a disgusted witness: "That poor, pathetic creature who poured out his wretched heart over a badly strummed guitar is in great need of therapy in some institution other than a coffee shop. It is selfish of him to use our coffee shop to support his awful habit. God only knows why he chooses to sing to his mistreated guitar - why doesn't he go and howl under the moon on a lonely rock out in the bush where local social customs don't prevent much more severe treatment for his condition."

Next time the trio will try to remember not to leave any guitars unattended.

Police Indifferent
to Missing Cat
We had a terrible fright not long ago, when Reggie, our intrepid mouse-loving cat, went walk-about and didn't come back for twelve days. On the third day we filed a missing person report with the local police, but the sergeant ripped up the form when he realised that Reggie was not, as he said, a real person. Well, Reg IS a real person, and we were very happy when he finally came home and resumed sleeping, eating and ignoring us. No one knows where he goes when he wanders off like that, but we suspect that there's another family on the other side of the hill saying the same thing.

Neglected Chicken Gets VIP Treatment
Monica, our brave but stupid little one-eyed chicken, ran or rather limped into some difficulty recently. Due to a bad case of scaly leg, she was unable to walk for awhile, and had to be carried hither and yon and hand-fed with lots of wheat and porridge and tasty casseroles and desserts, in order to appease the guilt of those who allowed her right leg to get into such a bad state. Because she couldn't sit on the perch at night, we built her a little retirement unit in the chook house, with verandah, which we carefully placed her into every night. Why would she need a verandah, we hear you ask. Well, Monica insisted that her house be built directly below where those rogues, Hillary and Victoria, perch. Anyway, Monica's leg is back to normal now, but she refuses to go back to the perch, and has started laying eggs in her little house, and putting up a few decorations to make it more homey.

Pests Ruin Rural Retreat
Our neighbour Brian is fed up with getting up at four in the morning to drive 90 kms to work where he drives a bus all day and then drives to his mum's house, and doesn't get to drive home until seven in the evening. He was heard to say in public, "Gee, with my work and my mum taking up so much of my time, I don't have hardly any time to build my rabbit proof fence." Yes indeed, it appears that Brian has had enough of the local rabbit population digging little holes in his lawn, so he's rabbit proofing the fence, often in the dark, by torchlight. The job was nearly complete when he suddenly realised that while the fence may keep rabbits off his property, there's no way in the world it will stop the millipedes from crawling over from our house. Millipedes love Brian's house for some mysterious reason, and have regular gatherings there of several hundred gang members, all lounging on the ceiling and occasionally dropping into someone's chardonnay, just for a laugh. Brian hates that. He was recently seen drawing up plans for a millipede-proof fence.

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On this day in 1994 Prince Charles committed adultery.

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LOCAL NEWS

Winning Dad Forces Tired Child To Finish Monopoly Game
Elvis Motterhead, aged 36 of Rodent Place, forced his exhausted 8-year-old son Fred to stay up late Monday to finish their Monopoly game. "Come on mate, it shouldn't be too much longer," Elvis told a bleary-eyed Fred at 12:15 am , just past the game's seven-hour mark. "Go again, you rolled doubles. It's good practice for poker, canasta and other boring card games, when you get older. Wake up, it's for your own good!"

Council to Fund Personal Growth?
After much thought concerning the breakdown of families in the local area, a task force headed by leading Social Worker, Stephanie Dither, has concluded that the widespread use of penis enlargement procedures might help to curb the growing phenomenon of shattered marriages. However, there has been a great deal of argument amongst the Gumtree Gully Council members about whether or not penis enlargement procedures should be available at council expense, and if so, how much more should the local ratepayers be charged to cover the costs, or would some ratepayers be willing to do without rubbish collection in order to fund the enlargement of various and sundry penises, whom they have probably never even met.

Bad Luck, Mandi
Mandi-Kyli Barndoor-Smythe-Jones, aged 26 of Rodent Estate, was most annoyed when told that a man who had been in regular employment for twenty-five years and owned his own home had won the State lottery after buying only one ticket. "I bought forty-three bloody tickets, and I' m a single mum with thirteen kids, and not one of their fathers helps me financially!" she exploded with a certain rage. "It's not fair! Can I sue anybody for damages?"

Tell Somebody Who Cares, Sally
Gumtree Gully's only known lesbian, Sally Slimline, aged 32 of Rodent Road, said in the supermarket yesterday, "I am honestly looking for a witty, sincere, charming, good looking, thoughtful, issue free, and less feminine looking woman than myself to associate with, and there are none to be found. Where are they, I ask myself, at night mostly, as I cry into my lonely pillow." But nobody was listening.

Turn it Down, John-John
John-John Jones, aged 19 of Rodent Square, was recently overheard talking to his Counsellor, who has many Diplomas and Certificates in Weird Alternative Therapies, all of which are officially recognised by the organisations that issued them. People in the next room, and several students at the School for the Hearing Impaired across the street, heard John-John's complaint."I don't get it Doc, I have a real cool bullet shaped car, like you know man, phallic, and it's red. And it has a 16 cylinder engine with a chrome plated dipstick and upswept cronkleshafts and a muffler that goes vroom vroom when you press that little pedal that makes it go fast, man. It's got a multi-reverb stereo Boom Boom setup with 18 speakers in the doors and 10 under the seats. I even have two speakers on the roof. But can I get the chicks - no man! They just mouth sentences to me man, like goldfish!" ..... "What did you say Doc?"

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THE AGONY COLUMN

Dear Auntie Linda,
I've got lots of rings in my nose, my ears and in my eyebrows and they look real cool, but mum says I can't have any more on my body, no matter how much I whine and complain. I don't understand, Linda, I'm thirteen and fully-grown up. I only want three of them in each nipple and one in my whatsit, where no one will see it. And Ricky (she's a girl) who's my best friend and I hate her, has got lots more rings in her bod than me. Should I go to the welfare and tell them I'm being discriminated against? I can't see why I can't painfully pierce my own body if I want to. It's not fair!
Frillip Morgleberry,aged 13, of Rodent Crescent

Dear Frillip,
I think that you should go for it - pierce away! Especially in your upper and lower lips, in an adjoining row, and maybe slip a piece of wire in between; that would solve everyone's problems.