Neighbours stunned to see local hermits leaving house!
Cats yawn in wonderment as owners head to the Big Smoke!

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Anniversary Milestone Marked by Clean Tracksuits; Handbag Raises Eyebrows
October was a significant month, during which we reached our 10^th wedding anniversary, and made a very special occasion of it by going out to lunch in our best trainers and clean tracksuits, with only a few cat hairs on them. Tony looked quite effete, carrying a rather fey, yet spiffy looking black handbag, which he insists on calling his emergency medical kit.

The venue chosen was the local ‘all you can eat buffet’, where for only $12, a person could really make himself sick on all kinds of food. We enjoyed a five course vegetarian meal with wine, beginning at noon and stretching out til about 4pm, at which time the manager politely asked us to leave, as the restaurant had been closed for an hour, and requested that we never come back, because they can’t afford customers like us.

On the way home, we picked up a box of chocolates, a block of home-made mocha fudge and a bottle of Canadian Club for a little snack. However, we were unable to partake of any of these goodies, or any other foodstuffs until the next day, due to a mysterious feeling of tightness in the mid-region, which somehow befell both of us. Investigations continue.

*** BREAKING NEWS ***

Tony thinks seriously of taking off his winter longjohns and shaving the hairs in his ears

Monica falls off perch and arrives late for breakfast

Stunned Jehovah's Witnesses kept standing for hours at front door by Tony's incessant talking

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LOCAL NEWS

Pumpkin Soup Gains Admission
We recently answered a knock on the door (using the time-honoured method of opening the door just a crack, peeking around it and quietly saying ‘You can’t come in, we’re having our dinner’) to discover a neighbour standing on our doorstep carrying a small but tidy plastic bucket of pumpkin soup. ‘Thank you,’ we said quietly, took the soup and shut the door in her face.

Cat Takes a Dive
After having an energetic 'rumble' around the house with Angus, Reggie swept into the bathroom, did a really impressive 'wheelie', leapt up onto the toilet seat, skidded and fell down the pan. It was some hours before it was noticed that he was in trouble.

Budding Arsonist to Run for Parliament
Tony recently did a gig at the local hotel for the sake of old times with his old mates from 'Tin Fish'. He was underwhelmed at the choice of tunes which have infiltrated the band’s repertoire since he left, and stated that they were right up there with all the other folk tunes that should be put onto a bonfire and burned, by law. The disillusioned musician consoled himself by drinking rather heavily and chatting for hours to the girls in the audience, one of whom offered to adopt him.

Proof : Babies are Stupid
A study at Gumtree Gully Country Hospital, which included a battery of intelligence tests administered over two months to two babies, by a plethora of Allied Health professionals, concluded that babies are stupid. Despite their relatively large cranial capacities, they are so unintelligent that they are unable to distinguish between colourful plastic toys and food, and stuff either in an indiscriminate way into their mouths. Also it was discovered by a gastroenterologist that they had little control over their bowel movements, even though it caused them great distress.

Resident of Gumtree Gully has had Enough
Mabel Dolittle of Gumtree Gully South West has lived in the area for all of 15 months, and that's enough, she announced yesterday, and is leaving. It had become patently obvious to her that for some time now she has wanted to live near her daughter in Swaziland. Her neighbours have expressed no regret at her sudden need to depart. One close neighbour was heard to comment, 'Big deal, I never liked the old bag anyway' while her flatmate said, 'Mabel who?'

Sheep Adventure Goes Awry

Humphrey as we'll always remember him, refusing to the last to have a haircut

Yes, dear readers, sad but all too true – one of our critters has passed on to the grazing land in the sky. The unlucky candidate for early departure from this mortal coil was Humphrey, our second favourite sheep, who expired in very unusual circumstances. It was to be the Great Shearing Adventure Holiday Camp for Tired Sheep, wherein all of our sheep, plus our next door neighbours’ sheep, went on a little holiday to Ross’s place down the road, where they could meet lots of other interesting sheep, taste test some different types of grass, and generally put their feet up and take things easy, and then get shorn and sent back home with a new lease on life. Sadly, Humphrey’s lease ran out, when in all the excitement of going on holiday, he escaped from a holding pen, ran away and later died of a broken heart, probably when he realised that Oscar, his lifelong friend and brother, had not escaped with him. Oscar and Rodney came home unscathed, although Oscar has been pining somewhat ever since, and can only be consoled by large buckets full of wheat. Rodney is untroubled, and stumbles around the paddock in his usual dopey manner, not even having realized that he went on holiday, never mind being involved in a tragedy of enormous proportions.

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Neighbour Acquires Ride-on Mower: Tony Depressed

Only days after being told by John John (the neighbour next door to John) that he ‘set the standard for the neighbourhood’ with his meticulous lawn mowing, edging, tree trimming, flower planting and weed killing, Tony was shocked to discover that Dennis next door, had purchased a ride-on mower and a slasher, and was planning to lay claim to Tony’s position of ‘standard-setter’. ‘How can he do this to me?’ Tony cried, ‘I thought he was my friend!’

Since then, Dennis has advanced his position somewhat, by planting lots of trees, all in very straight lines, installing a pop-up sprinkler system all by himself, and laying down an ‘instant’ lawn using rolls of turf. Tony cried ‘foul’ at this tactic, but was soon appeased by the discovery that Dennis had bought a type of grass that goes brown in the winter, whereas ours stays green all year. The only other thing that keeps Tony ahead is the unbeatable fact that his ride-on mower is red, but Dennis’s isn’t. And we wont mention that Tony had a new engine put in his mower, exactly the same as Dennis’s, so as not be outmown, so to speak.

Tony mows on, in a valiant attempt to retain his heavyweight gardening championship

WORLD NEWS

Lucky Schoolboy Gets Clocked
Spencer Trap, an earnest, rather robust, but we have to admit, not very bright 11-year-old student at the local Gumtree Gully Primary School, recently learned an important lesson about the value of hard work. He received an exciting reward, his very own miniature AM/FM digital clock radio made in China. All he had to do was load heavy cans of dog and cat food onto the shelves of the local supermarket for just 102 hours – a work experience he will never forget. A lawsuit is pending.

Mayor Accidently Meets People
The well known Mayor of Gumtree Gully, Harry Hardcastle, considered by many sycophantic councillors to be the most important person in the town and possibly the world, walked through the main street last week drawing the attention of our investigative reporter Cynthia Bodice. The Mayor was heard to say in a grand tone, 'It’s nothing to get excited about, I’m just going to the butcher for some snags.' He was however, obviously pleased to be recognised by Doris the local bag lady, Bert the town drunk, and three other unknowns.

Doctor Finds New Way to Prolong Meaningless Existence
In a stunning medical breakthrough, a doctor of Gumtree Gully South who has trouble pronouncing the word biogeneticists, announced Tuesday that he has developed a revolutionary new synthetic hormone tablet that retards the human ageing process, thus enabling individuals to extend the churning, meaningless void known as life by upwards of 20 years. On hearing of the new medication, residents of the local 'Maximum Security Nursing Home for the Terribly Aged' have called for a ban on the product, stating that another boring 20 years of bingo, card games, bunions, ballroom dancing and the enforced attendance at performances of the local operatic society, is more than they can bear. And if the plan to extend their lives succeeds, they will be forced to kill themselves.

Chaos at Checkout
A checkout girl in Gumtree Gully supermarket ‘The store that has everything and will give you a 10% discount on any item that we can't get’, was heard to say to a customer, ‘Goodbye’ instead of the ubiquitous ‘Have a nice day’ or ‘See ya later’. Customers waiting in the queue were gobsmacked. One young girl with rings in her eyebrows, lips, tongue and other unmentionable places, was heard to say ‘What's her game, who does she think she is, right wing fascist bitch.’ An old lady immediately went into a daydream of olden times and common courtesies, and had to be resuscitated by a lesbian trumpet player from the town’s brass band, and was sent to the cottage hospital. An eight year old boy, who had not quite mastered the art of putting his baseball hat on the right way, was heard to say to his mother in some confusion, ‘what's that chick mean mom, is she being rude or what?’