The Jolly Olde Winsome Ridge News
Winsome Ridge, South Australia Friday, 1 December, 2000

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Tin Fish Wows Crowd at Local Pub

The small hills town of Verdun came alive when jazz band Tin Fish made their long-awaited debut

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 Stephen, Con, Endre and Tony try to finish together
University Graduates Outsmarted
by Illiterate Chicken
All hell broke loose at Winsome Ridge recently, when Hilary the chicken decided to match wits with Linda (BA) and Tony (BA (Hons), BSocAdmin, PhD)
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Close Shave for Oscar and Humphrey
Oscar and Humphrey are so annoyed with their haircuts they’ve gone on strike. ‘I wanted a Mohawk’, Humphrey complained, ‘and Oscar wanted the bald look, with studs in one ear.’ When their complaints went unheeded, they stopped eating grass in protest. Tony and Linda are getting fed up with their attitude, and may eat them for Christmas.
Meanwhile Linda is spinning their wool on her little spinning wheel, oblivious to her husband simply dying of hunger. She refuses to wear one of those Amish hats that look like a handkerchief lying on your bonce with dangly bits. Still, it would probably look silly with the wellies she refuses to take off in the house.

FLASH ... FLASH ... FLASH
Horrified neighbours flee in cloud of dust! Full story è
Snake Alert!
Winsome Ridge in Panic!
The residents of Winsome Ridge were thrown into turmoil recently when a deadly Brown Snake was spotted lurking behind a rock near Murray Bridge, only 40kms away. Reggie and Angus refused to go outside for days, and all three chooks huddled on top of the chook house, holding their skirts up. Oscar and Humphrey, having nowhere to hide, hopped around in concentric circles, hoping to make the snake dizzy. Fortunately, nobody was harmed, and the snake was last seen sleeping quietly in a creek bed near Alice Springs.
Beer Shortage Threatens
Sixty bottles of beer were brewed at Winsome Ridge not very long ago, but incredibly, only three bottles can now be found. Tony and Linda have no idea where the others have gone, and believe a robbery has been perpetrated, possibly while they were out on the verandah drinking beer. Ironically, a large box full of empty beer bottles has mysteriously appeared in a cupboard. Investigations continue.
Cats Ignore Sharp Stick
Angus and Reggie sleep a lot. Sometimes if you poke them up the bum with a sharp stick, they may stir, but it’s not likely.
Thought for the day....
The first lesson that avid cross stitchers must learn is not to talk about their passion to anyone, as it is so boring.

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University Graduates Outsmarted by Illiterate Chicken
All hell broke loose at Winsome Ridge recently, when Hilary the chicken decided to match wits with Linda (BA) and Tony (BA (Hons), BSocAdmin, PhD)

Tony and Linda thought it was easy to cure a chook of broodiness – just lock her in a cage for a day or two, and she’ll get over it. But when Hilary went broody, an incredible battle of wits and wills ensued, with the feisty chicken being the eventual winner.

‘The cage hasn’t been built that can hold our Hilary’, Tony said. ‘We tried using chicken wire first, but she just ripped it out with her teeth, so we put her in the cat-carrier, but she picked the lock with a hairpin. Then we nailed her inside an apple box, but later we heard a strange noise, and found that somehow she’d got hold of a blowtorch and was burning her way out. Our only option then was to cuff her and take her down to the local jail. The cops said they could hold her, but that same night she was sprung by a gang of hooligan chooks who overpowered the guard dog. We think they made their getaway in a stolen helicopter. I’ve never seen anything like it.’

At last report, Hilary was sitting on the nest, brooding.
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Neighbours Flee in Cloud of Dust
All neighbour-spying activities came to an abrupt halt recently, when Annabelle and Arnold, the terribly amusing neighbours, suddenly noticed they were living on a dirt road, and immediately put their house up for sale.

‘It isn’t fair’, they whined, ‘Nobody told us it was dusty in the country. How are we supposed to keep our car clean? And the dogs are smelly from the horse manure all around our house. Why doesn’t the council come and take it away?’

So after only five months of country life, they moved back to the suburbs, took the stinking dogs to the Doggy Shampoo Parlour and had the baby hermetically sealed.

Tony and Linda were left in disarray, having nobody to spy on, and such a severely disrupted entertainment schedule, they had to start watching television again. ‘It was tough at first’, Linda explained. ‘I especially missed watching Annabelle chasing the sheep out of the laundry, but you just have to get on with life, don’t you, and make the best of things.’

Annabelle’s husband Arnold was last seen removing the downpipes from their new suburban home, muttering ‘Who needs these stupid things?’

Eventually the house next door was purchased by a couple with more brains than the average tree stump, who are enjoying the country life and gradually fixing all the stupid mistakes left behind by the previous occupants. Sadly, while they are very nice people, they are simply not spyworthy, being far too sensible to do anything incredibly silly and entertaining. So we watch cricket on TV instead, but keep the binoculars handy, just in case.

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..........WORLD NEWS..........
Nairne Woman Visits Deli
We have just heard from a reliable source, who prefers to be anonymous, that a divorced non-Christian, non-Muslim woman living in the township of Nairne, has placed numerous cards in the local deli window. The advertisements were for a tall, good looking man under thirty years of age who would support her and her four children, (plus one who is occasionally in the care of the local authority for assault) who does not gamble or smoke and who can cook. She does not offer any sexual or financial incitements, nor domestic activity in return. She has received no replies as yet and is quite puzzled about the lack of response.
Bums in Brukunga Under Siege
Brukunga, a delightful hills township which the state government deserted when the minerals ran out, has run out of toilet paper. The Mayor of Mt Barker has declared a local state of emergency and has had Council table napkins, paper towels, party favours and balloons, which are in abundance after an overorder following the recent council election celebrations, rushed to Brukunga. A tentative offer of further help has been made, but supplies will not be available until after the next batch of councillors’ birthday parties have been held.

..........WORLD NEWS..........
Cat Dies in Election Tragedy
After a survey of a hundred people in Mt Barker regarding the recent US Presidential election debacle, ninety said they couldn’t give a stuff who became the leader of the free world, nine people said ‘who?’ and ‘where?’ and one old lady said ‘piss off’ and trod on a cat.

Local Plumber Reveals All
A local plumber, who lives in the historic township of Callington and who has asked to be unnamed, has declared on local radio that plumbing is not more interesting than pornography, and that what some people in his neighbourhood are saying is just not true.
Today's BrainTeaser:
Kevin suffers from a chronic fear of swallowing a ping pong ball. He can't sleep at night, and is losing a lot of weight. Kevin has never played ping pong and has not even touched a ping pong ball since 1966. Kevin's son is a junkie, while his daughter likes to run around with men in sweaty blue singlets. His dog has arthritis, and his budgie is losing its feathers. The question: If Kevin did swallow a ping pong ball, who would be president of the United Sates?